I know, I know.
Nothing beats Miami Connection right? It's the single greatest human achievement in the history of all time, what movie could possibly back that up? The other sister? Xanadu? Philadelphia? (All too obvious.) No. There was only one other film so outrageously bad that it could even hope to compete with such a Sonic Titan as Miami Connection; only one man for the job, or woman in this case. I decided to go in search of a more recent film of such repulsive badness and ill repute as to induce cerebral vomiting; and only The Forgotten fit this billing. In fact this movie is so bad, I'm not even sure that's it's real name, or that it even exists. For all I know it was just some terrible nightmare I dreamt after a night binge of cheezits, double stuff Oreos and milk; for all I know I am the only person who ever saw this movie, and therefore it begs the question, "does Julianne Moore really exist?" This movie is about aliens, maybe, or maybe it's the government, or like, I dunno, fucking Greek gods, who really cares because about fifteen seconds into the movie it all starts to fall apart. Julianne Moore is a mom who has a son who's like dead or something (totally unclear, and wooden acting doesn't help) and then he like just disappears. From everywhere. No one remembers him, her husband swears they never had a son, and he even fades from all the family photos leaving them awkwardly photoshopped. Obviously, like any NORMAL person, Julianne Moore totally looses her shit and has a ten alarm freak out all over the goddamn place. Course, she remembers she had a son, blah, blah, blah. Let me impart on you how little you will care about any of this. You really won't. It's just poorly written and badly acted; there's nothing much more to say, at least, about that part of the movie. See this movie doesn't become Oscar Snuff worth material until people start getting sucked into the atmosphere by some invisible force; I swear to god when I saw this movie in theaters, every time someone got magically sucked into the sky the whole audience laughed (at the end we applauded) because honestly; its the funniest goddamn thing in the history of the world. A character trying to help Julianne Moore gets about halfway through a line, the audience in rapt attention, then woosh! Up into the sky for no reason at all. Dun, Dun, DAAAAAAA! (Ominous chords) This, btw, happens like five times in the movie, which is not even close to enough. I would sit there and watch two hours of people getting sucked up into the sky, its that freaking amazing. It's cathartic. I live for that shit. Anyway there's some bad guy in a suit and like some quasi government organization and a chick whose not Sigourney Weaver but looks like Sigourney Weaver or is Sigourney Weaver, and J Moore finds out that her son ain't dead or whatever, he just got sucked into the sky I guess, and that black lady with buggy eyes who always plays a cop was like "J Moore I know how to help you-" sucked into the fucking sky and shit. Honestly, that's all I remember about the movie, because its all that really matters anyway. Once you see it you'll understand. If not, you're a heretic.
The other thing about this movie is that its brutally acted by a cast of then mostly B actors that obviously doesn't give a shit about this material. I mean, I'm pretty sure Mark Ruffalo was in this movie, which says a lot. If he isn't, he should have been. They should remake it with him, as the only guy to suck harder at being Hulk than Eric Bana. Maybe that's who it was, Eric Bana, he'd also be in a movie like this. In fact, why haven't Mark Ruffalo and Eric Bana made a war movie where they're brothers yet? People would line up to see that shit.
That's it; Star Wars Seven with Mark Ruffalo and Eric Bana. JJ would love that, they're two brothers lost on a desert planet an they're like Jedi ninjas but its all a dream. Seriously Hollywood, give me a fucking job. I come up with this shit on the daily. If I made Iron man, he'd been a drunk by now.
Ready here's one: just make a goddamn fucking asshole blowing Justice League vs Avengers Marvel/DC crossover that will make so much money we can buy herds of fucking gold plated elephants and shoot them out of the sky with diamond bullets after firing then from a jewel encrusted cannon. Shit, we can have killer whale eggs for breakfast we'll be so fucking rich.
Anyway, the Forgotten or whatever it's called, there isn't much to say about it, except it doesn't feature Sigourney Weaver or Mark Ruffalo or Eric Bana, but it does feature people being sucked into the sky at alarming speeds; so I forgive it for all its sins. The movie has a happy ending, isn't that nice; her son is a okay and we never find out what the fuck was going on. Long live Hollywood.
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