Cross Blog Post

from The Gorilla Position
gorillawrestling.blogspot.com

"The current advertised dark match main event for Raw on May 30 is John Cena and Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose vs. AJ Styles and Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson." - PW Insider's Steven Fernandes

Balls!

Hey kids! It's time for WWE's extremely PG extreme rules pay per view! Woo! Guys getting hit with chair- no? No chairs? Okay but at least some tabl- no tables? But they're both in the video game!

Okay, okay. Don't worry. Uncle Vince assures me that there will be both chairs and tables at the event. They will be used for selling merch, sitting down asses, and DEALING OUT PAIN AT SUMMERSLAM. I mean extreme rules, sorry. I'm just really excited for SUMMERSLAM.

Btw. Every time I write SUMMERSLAM my autocorrect makes it all caps. That's why it always looks like SUMMERSLAM. Anyway.

Here's the card with full predictions and RIP Mitch.

Jk he's coming back.


Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin (No Disqualification)
Again one of the better matches that I am looking forward to is early on the card. Thanks Uncle Vince, now I can go to bed while all the boring main events happen. I mean, I'm not saying that a billionaire who built a wrestling empire is an idiot, but Uncle Vince has been extremely lucky in the face of business practices that would slap dead any company that didn't feature Terry Gene Bollea and Mark Callaway. Why isn't this more main eventy? I thought this was a new era? Guess not. Anyway, both this guys haven't won on PPV for a while it feels like (maybe I'm wrong) and both have significant heat; it's still so close to call. I think they're gonna go traditional and either give it to the face or the heel; I mean like duh. Ziggler will pull out a win after Corbin showboats and gestates with the crowd most likely. I don't think Corbin will win because of the heel further down the card who says Neit. Likely Rusev will get the major heel win tonight.

The Usos vs. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson (Tornado Tag)
Boring. Boring. Boring. This this like the fifth time they've gone in recent memory. The matches aren't terrible but they're better with Reigns and Styles. Usos win again.

Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho (Asylum Match)
This one I am pretty interested in, if only because Jericho is always must see; and as of late he's been just perfect in the self centered heel role. It's great when he says, "quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet," to the audience; reminds me of the great heels. Ambrose is Ambrose. Great in ring, crowd love him, yeah he's fine, sure. This match gimmick could be great, I plan on seeing Y2J in the straight jacket and such. They need to morph the Ambrose gimmick a bit though, it's starting to become redundant. Ambrose gets gets his win back. Also look for the return of Mitch the potted plant, who is sort of like the Stephanie McMahon to their Son in Law Triple HHH (or the Jim Ross to their Stone Cold Steve Austin.)

The Miz vs. Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn (Intercontinental Championship)
I don't want to say to much about this match as I'm looking forward to it big time. I've cooled my hate for Miz lately and all three of the other guys are favorites of mine. Likely scenario is that Owens and Zayn cost each other the match (so to further their bitter feud) and then Cesaro wins it; thus changing hands. Whatever they do, please drop the belt. The worst thing they could do is build this match so much (through raw and snack down) only to have the heel retain the title. Cesaro by pinfall as Owens and Zayn cost each others shot.

Kalisto vs. Rusev (United States Championship)
Rusev wins here, I'm sure of it. I don't know why, I just have this feeling from the build. Kalisto will get buttered with punches and slams early, come back with some valiant second wind, then Lana will interfere and Rusev will win. That's what I think at least and I am always right about everything so.

Machka!

Charlotte vs. Natalya (Submission Match for Women's Championship; Ric Flair banned)
The women's division fucking rocks man. Tonight we have the daughter of Nature Boy Ric Flair taking on the daughter of Jim The Anvil Neidhart. And they are both so good at what they do; the promo with Vince's Brood and Natch was awesome. I was on my feet when Natch lost his shit and went after Shane O Mac; doing the slaps and the walk and the run into the ropes. Classic. This might be the best match of the night, I don't wanna call it but I think tonight might be Naty's night.

The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains (Tag Team Championship)
I said might be because of course here lies the match which features a great NXT trained, throwback 90s feel tag team and of course your W...W...E...Tag...Team...Champions! New Day Rocks! But they probably drop the belts tonight, sorry. It's okay because A) they'll get them back soon and B) the Vaudevillians are pretty great, let's be honest.

Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles (Extreme Rules World Heavyweight Xhampripnshot)
Boring. I'm so sick of this feud. They both might be injured, but Styles is gonna be Kerry Von Erich one legging it on his injury. Could be great, their match at Payback was; but I'm just bored with this feud. Turn Roman heel tonight though...

And I'm fucking back Uncle Vince and Cousins Shane O and Steph and Aunt Linda and Cousins CM Punk and Hornswaggle and Cousin in Law Triple HHH. You bastards.

Live long and plucky.