Sunday, May 15, 2016

Frank Miller's Sesame St

Frank Miller’s Sesame Street

Big Bird: It was a cold bitch of a night. Night so cold, like if Hell was cold instead of warm. Not hot, but cold. I’m in a lousy part of town, a dank Hotel Room. Theres raining outside. I’m looking at a sexy Big Bird lady, and she says she wants me. She wants me to protect her. She says her name is Goldie Bird.
(cut) (glass smashes)


BB: all of a sudden someones throwing me out a window. Just my luck. Im a big bird. Big Birds cant fly. They just flap their wings. And fall.

I hit the ground and theres blood all over the place. Red blood. My blood. But Im a tough guy. I land on some trash bags and kick the front windshield out of the cop car cause obviously those crooked cops are involved. I beat them up, not like some sissy liberal. I don’t negotiate. Then I take the cop car and crash it into some water for revenge. Oh yeah and Goldie Bird’s dead. I love you Goldie Bird.

Later I beat up some more crooked cops who are after me. But theyre bad guy cops from this crazy mixed up future. But I’m not looking for more cops; I’m looking for something small and hairy…

I find Elmo in the usual spot; a crack needle in his arm. Walk down the right back alley on Sesame Street and you can find anything.
(punch punch)

BB: Take it easy Elmo!

Elmo: OWW! ELMO DON’T KNOW ANYTHING BB!

BB: Come here you junkie! (punch punch)

Vo: I Punch him a few times in the gut. He pukes. Its all gross looking but also theosophical. It reminds me of how liberals are weak. I pause for a moment to internally debate the many possibilities and realms of thought that have been opened by these actions. I look back at Elmo. He seems confused. Like he’s waiting for me to say something. Man this is awkward. I hit him. (punch punch)

Elmo: OKAY OKAY! ELMO WILL TELL YOU! (punch)

Vo: I punch him again cause I can. He tells me everything. The rain rains down. He tells me about this grouchy bastard of a pimp who lives in a Garbage can. Says his name his Oscar. Says he runs the local pimp trade in these parts and he can be found at his trashside Pimpery day and night. I don’t know if I can believe him; he doesn’t look like a big tough guy like me.  

BB: spread the word, Elmo. Tell em Im looking who killed Goldie Bird… (dun dun dun!)


Tale of the Tunes: Loose Cannon
Narrator: Welcome back to Tale of the Tunes. Loose Cannon.
1: We were starting to get really big.
2: I mean, he played a mean drum, but he couldn’t keep his nose clean
Narrator: Loose Cannon spiraled out of control during their 95 tour of Denmark and Yugoslavia, with several of the members falling into over the counter cold medications and various European cults. As the tour neared its conclusion, tragedy struck the band.
3: I mean everyone was into Xaxthor the Embowler back then, Steve, Kenny, Vince, Jonny, Larry, even Donny Brass was sacrificing virgins to the wintermoon
2: a couple of the guys were into Xaxthor, yeah. I wasn’t into all that mumbo jumbo. Im a born Jehova’s Witness.
4: we dabbled in you know, worship of the Moon Goddess Epifpany, you know, drank her moon wine and bathed in the garden of many pleasures. I myself was also doing some worshipping of The Great Crab Which Guides The Stars.
Narrator: but some members of the band took it too far.
3: Barry….Barry, Barry, Barry….
2: He really took to the whole Xaxthor thing. Most of us were just trying to get some chicks.
4: Barry, he really believed in it all
1: I remember we were in Durmitor National Park in present day Montenegro and Barry starts convulsing and shouting how he’s “Xaxthor reborn!” The dark lord wouldn’t have none of that
Narrator: That day, exactly one year after his backstage row with Joni Mitchell, Loose Cannon lead singer Barry “Lights Out” Lolliver was found dead in his hotel bathroom. A combination of prayer and barbiturates were determined to be the cause of death.
3: I mean there was just incense burning, too much really even for a Xaxthorian ceremony
1: Idols of the dark lord spread all over the bed
2: it was just sick for him to go out like that……
Narrator: With four shows left at the spacious Free People of The National State of Yugoslavia Arena and Prison, it looked like it might be the end of Loose Cannon. But help would come, from an unlikely source. (Cherry upbeat music)
1: Satan.
3: Satan.
2: Satan.
4: I mean, he just changed everything
1: He walks up there, to our little studio over the pet shop, and he picks up the Les Paul
3: shreds it. Totally just shreds it.
2: we were all just standing there, in like, a state of shock
4: then……..he started singing
(bad David Lee Roth style singing)
1: that was it. Loose Cannon was back.
(Highway to Hell type song plays)
Narrator: Lucifer would bring them their best success yet, Headline Arena tours of Japan, Austria, Serbia, Mexico, Uruguay, and Pakistan. Gold Records like, “Wet Me Up,” “Get Down On My Wicked Thang,” “Cockrock Opera,” and, “The Voyage of the Panty Raider.” Women, money, fast cars, fast boats, fast planes, fast outer space rockets to the moon. (each one with corresponding sound effect, women laughing, cash register, race car noise, etc.)
2: We had it all
Narrator: they had it all. But as with every bleary eyed tale of fortuitous ascent to lofted heights, this tale too would descend again into the drug and prayer soaked world of Entertainment Theater.
1: and then we lost it
Narrator: October 9th. The Lord of Lies calls a press conference.
4: we didn’t know what for, he hadn’t told us a thing.
2: we were all just waiting. Wondering.
Satan: (press conference noises) excuse me. Hello. Ive called you here today to make an important announcement. Though my three years as a member of Loose Cannon have been the best of my life, today I am announcing my leaving behind of the group to embark on a solo career.
3: we were stunned. The whole room was silent.
1: I mean, how do you come back from that? (up beat music plays again)
Narrator: Loose Cannon would find a way. Next time on Tale of the Tunes, Ricky “The Lady Killer,” Compaziano, Fold Face Mcgee, and the introduction of a new twist in the Loose Cannon saga; Lips Lenore; the bands first female member.

Satan declined to comment for this docudrama. 

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